the me I never got to be

I’m a learner. I’ve always been. from when I was a little kid, I was curious, I craved knowledge. I always wanted to try new things. expand my horizons.

but here I am, decades later, with nothing to show.

the little kid grew up, having interests and ideas brushed off and dismissed.

I was playing violin for school when I was 8, moved, got moved to private lessons, wanted to pick up Metallica for violin as my next book with my instructor, and was told “no your teacher won’t want to do that”. I lost interest after that, and with having nowhere to perform. now I see violinists on stage with my favorite band and wonder what could’ve been.

I was learning HTML and graphic design and starting CSS at 9 years old, but I kept getting my computer taken away for various reasons. most of that knowledge is gone now, and increasingly things are being vibecoded and enshittified.

the college savings program my dad had enrolled in for me didn’t get points from the gas station he went to, so the plan was deactivated. I was on the hook entirely myself if I wanted to go to college/uni.

I got a guitar (that I didn’t get to choose), took two lessons, and then my dad stopped taking his lessons which meant I stopped, too. (Same instructor.)

I wanted to get into modding electronics, I got “no you’ll break it”

I was considering art school after high school, but was undecided, I got “oh you want to go to art school” from the guidance counselor, and before I could clarify she’d moved on to the next kid.

just… why? now even in my 30s I can’t allow myself to fully embrace something. I can’t let myself take things seriously. I was never allowed to get into anything beyond a surface level and now I’m just stuck in this mindset of “no, it’s not worth it”. at this point it’s truly not worth putting myself into crushing student loan debt for a degree when I still don’t know what it is that I want to do. I have too many ideas, too many open ends, and I can’t go for any of them. I already have student debt in collections to pay off from failed attempts.

I want to be so much more than I was ever allowed to be, but I don’t even know what that could be. I don’t know what I want, and if I did I already know it’s not worth it to start at this point.

I’m just an NPC, mourning the me that could’ve been, if only I’d been given the chance to truly flourish.

but I’ll be okay. I know I’ll push this back down and forget for a while. get caught up in life again, as the time passes by and I stay stuck in the place I’ve always been. stunted.

being sick really gets me stuck in my own head in places I don’t like to be.